A Farewell Poem For Imus

By Tarzana Joe:

I come to bury Imus, not to praise him.

As if any words on earth could raise him.

Billy Saul Hargus himself could shout,

“John Donald Imus come out!”

And those words would come to naught.

The ranch, as they say, has been bought.

By his own hand has this been done

Adios, “God’s Other Son”.

Now, don’t criticize me for that quote.

“God’s Other Son” is a novel that Imus wrote.

And now, I guess every talk show host must wonder

What chance remark, what blunder,

Will bring on the everlasting thunder

And through what narrow pipe he’ll be extruded

(present company of course excluded).

And every trumpet in the land

Will use Imus as a soapbox on which to stand

One pundit says, the press reports,

“These remarks have undone decades of progress in women’s sports.”

The problem with women’s sports, (Now I need to be careful here so I don’t botch it)

Is that even women will not watch it.

But so that I might remain acceptable to the mainstream

I apologize here and now to the Vassar field hockey team

Present and former

And every Title Nine reformer

Who thinks the time is right (don’t laugh)

For Title Nine And A Half

Which will require all of us to attend

Women’s softball and stay ‘till the end.

Actually a women’s softball team in LA would be quite winning

Because Los Angelinos would stay through the seventh inning.

And here’s something you won’t believe even after I’ve said it,

But Al Gore’s announced he’s selling “Vulgar Credits”!

If you say something awful, don’t give it a thought.

You can buy an “offset” from Al before you’re caught.

And just so the whole thing won’t get too messy

The program will be run by Al and Jesse.

So hit the trail, Imus, you old turkey-necked vulture.

They laid you low just like you did to the culture.